"Classically Bad Date"

This came to me from a friend from high school. I got a kick out of it.

I meet this girl online. She is cute, worldly (lived in London), and has solid musical taste. She says she is going to Chile on July 5th and offers to buy me a drink before then, so we plan for 2pm on Sunday (coffee.)

She reschedules a few times, with good reasons, and we end up at an Italian restaurant in Campbell at 7pm (her idea). She orders hella food, mentioning that "its great for leftovers." About every 2 minutes, before the food arrives, she checks her teeth with the butter knife. Not too subtle, this one. I learn, over the course of the meal, that she divorced her guy in London to move back and live near her 70 year old father. She left home at age 17 to live with the biggest drug dealer in the Tri Valley area. Her brother is a heroin addict. Her last job as an insurance agent lasted a week because she started getting seizures. Then the conversation kinda dies...

Me: "Have you ever been to the haunted nude beach in Santa Cruz?"Her: "omg the Red White and Blue Beach? My parents are swingers and used to go there [shudders]"Me: "Yeah, but its kinda interesting that its haunted."Her: "Do you believe in that ghosts? I try not to, because my grandmother committed suicide in my bed."

Fortunately, the food arrives. Less fortunately, she feels obligated to handle all portions, which includes compulsively moving food from her plate to mine every five minutes. She continues to check teeth.

Things get better. I learn that she is bisexual, is addicted to orgasms ("I spent three hours yesterday orgasming"), and we have a great talk about the quality of girl on girl porn. Her dad was in a concentration camp (born in 30s), so I start to sympathize a little more.

Then she mentions that she was diagnosed clinically depressed at age 6. Check please.

Before the check arrives, she gets up to smoke a cigarette. She pulls out a $20 and says "will this be enough?" Given what was ordered, it was at $60 easily. I just sit there in silence.

Her: "Well you don't expect me to pay for the whole thing do you? I just offered to buy you a drink."
Me: silence
Her: [pulls out money] "Heres a $10. Thats Thirty. Do you want more?" [pulls out two $1 bills.]
Me: "Thirty is fine. I am not going to strees about a few dollars."
Her: "What am I going to do with two dollars?"
Me: "Buy that coffee you have been wanting."

The bill arrives. She grabs for it, seemingly wanting to prove that she is paying more than half. She isn't. She gets up to smoke. I secretly wish she is bailing.

After settling the bill, I walk outside. She is still there. I sit down next to her, hoping to salvage the night. No, I don't always know when to quit. Neither does she; she is on her second cigarette already. I try to make some more small talk but I can't breathe. As I get up to leave, she mentions that she is deciding whether to drive back to her empty place in Santa Cruz, or to stay at her parents house in Campbell (also empty.) Sadly, at this point, I am done. I give her a courtesy hug and she asks "Can I give you a peck on the cheek?" I think, OK... she takes a few steps towards me, then her heel gives out and she nearly collapses to the side. I leave.

I am. no longer. attracted. to. any. Andrea. anywhere. Thank you.